Who should I vote for?

2 chakrae - Activate Chakra

Data Points

Sep. 2nd, 2005 | 03:07 pm

Yeah, so anyway. Sorry about that minor loss of balance tehre. Am going insane in a completely different way now. Am working 35hrs/week phoning you up in the middle of dinner to ask you many, many questions about cigarettes. Am planning on continuing to do this for some small amount of time, them pitching a fit and checking into the nice, quiet asylum for a while. AM drinking far too much coffee. Am referring to self without the use of pronouns. More to come.

2 chakrae - Activate Chakra

How gay are you?

Jul. 31st, 2005 | 10:00 pm

Chemicals:

complacent

Ambience: Delirium

According to the GayOMeter, I'm 56% gay. Hm, sounds about right.
http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/G/gayometer/gayometer.html

4 chakrae - Activate Chakra

No, Really, I'm Fine

Jul. 30th, 2005 | 01:06 pm

Chemicals:

gloomy

Ambience: Ayria - Debris

I am so fucking lonely. I'm such a stupid bitch. I am isolated from the existence of society and social rules, I don't understand what's going on. It is NOT by my choice. I make no choices, my destiny is being controlled by a higher power which does NOT love me because it is far beyond such petty human notions as love and hate. I am submerged in this darkness and sinking fast..... reach out and pull me from this hole..... how can I find love and comfort in this world when the existence of this world and its society is not real to me? When I can't even reach out to touch another person? Who will ever love me when I am burdened by so many neuroses and issues, I thoughtif i just resolved enough issued I could be, not normal, not happy, butat least attractive (psychologically) enough to find someone who would bring me balance and light. But every issue I resolve dredges up tweo more, and then the original issue comes back to haunt me again. I am growing older, I am supposedly an ADULT ready to take my place in an adult world, yet my emotional self seems incapable of outgrowing the brooding adolescent that made me what I am. Destined to be forever a freak and an outsider, how can anyone ever love and comfort me when I cannot find love and respect for myself? I have spent over a decade resisting the voices and for what? To be this half-caste thing that never makes connection with a human being, finding brief moments of solitary ecstasy between the lights and the music before crashing down again into the bleak voidscape of uniformity and control? If that is the case then what have I spent all of my time 'working' on my emotional self, on my artistic expression, and on my concepts of spirituality and morality and self-acceptance, when in the end it's all just driven by chemical issues? What was the fucking point of learning all this self control? If the only purpose of my life is to find the scattered moments of extacy between the vast stretches of grey nothingness then what is the point of resisting the tendency to self-destruction? I might as well just let myself become the desperate coke whore that I know I am inside, go and do whatever I can to find some joy and pleasure in my life before my existence spirals down into suicidal insanity and I jump into the fucking weir to just end the pain once and for all.

4 chakrae - Activate Chakra

BTW, I'm Not Quite DeadYet...

Jul. 17th, 2005 | 04:28 am

Chemicals:

stressed

Ambience: Mindless Self Indulgence

just thought you might like to know.

Mmmm, trannie porn...

I'M A SATANIST!!!!

May. 26th, 2005 | 12:52 pm

You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.

Satanism

100%

atheism

88%

agnosticism

79%

Buddhism

75%

Hinduism

67%

Christianity

54%

Islam

50%

Paganism

46%

Judaism

25%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

AMERICA!! FUCK, YEAH!!

Kissing is fun

May. 17th, 2005 | 11:45 am

Chemicals:

busy

Ambience: Nothingness

Moved back to my parents' on Sat. Am currently attempting to juggle financial dealings, obtain gainful employment, write the next big thing, seek lodgings, and entertain a lady friend. That's right, you heard me.

Done at last, done at last...

May. 9th, 2005 | 10:52 am

Chemicals:

accomplished

Ambience: NIN With Teeth (yes, again.)

Jah must love me, I'm done at last! PROJ105 - Five Minute Feng Shui is finished. And it is so retarded. So retarded.

Now we just present our projects, and then I'm finished and I can get shut of this fucking filth hole. Not that I have the first clue what's going on in my life now. Have to get a jobbie. Find a new apartment. Possibly start creating something. Possibly look into what it's going to take to get me out of this province (getting a job might hep, but it's looking like I'm going to have to just launch myself one of these days and hoping for the best).

Oh btw, check out my brand-new political weblog, Paranoid Left-Wing Ranting http://leftwingparanoia.blogspot.com/

2 chakrae - Activate Chakra

Every Day Is Exactly The Same

May. 6th, 2005 | 08:41 am

Chemicals:

awake

Ambience: NIN With Teeth - for about the 20th time this wk...

Guh. So no having sleepless ness. I'm really getting tired of being tired. Must to having sleep.

Mon. my presentation on 'the Music of the Night: the Genesis and Evolution of Goth/Industrial Music' went supersupreme. Everyone enjoyed muchly.

Had a brain crash tue/wed, went to bed and lay in a fetal position, crying, trying to pretend that the world didn't exist, for about 36 hours. That's time I couldn't afford. Looks like now I won't be getting my final project in on time. Well, I'll make it up in wknd. work. Of course I'm working like a dog yesterday and today to make up for the insanity.

Will be moving back to the city, probably next wknd. Yes, this hell is finally at an end and now my new hell begins. I'm hoping for a productive summer. But then since when does that ever happen? Whatever the case, at least I'm done with getting up at 7AM for now. So hopefully I can redevelop some kind of routine, now that I no longer have to stay up all night just to get to school in the morning.

11 chakrae - Activate Chakra

I LOVE YOU TRENT!!!!!

May. 1st, 2005 | 04:28 pm

Chemicals:

ecstatic

Ambience: take a guess!!

http://www.myspace.com/ninofficial

w00t

4 chakrae - Activate Chakra

Apr. 21st, 2005 | 11:11 am

Chemicals:

apathetic

Jah love, I'm so tired & I feel like shit, absolute shit. And it's not like I didn't sleep last night, I slept plenty! Dammit! I just don't want to work today. I have no desire whatsoever to do anything. I just want to lie downand die.

Sing This Corrosion To Me

Apr. 20th, 2005 | 12:42 pm

Chemicals:

awake

Ambience: Joy Division - Unknown Pleasures

Well I got a decent amt. of sleep last night. I was woken up real early though, someone was just freakin' HAMMERING at the door to the up-stairs suite. Started about 5:30 or 6 in the AM, continued like 6 or 7 times. Probably some crackhead who needed a fix or some dealer who wanted money. The fucking crackhead who lives up there sure didn't seem to want to answer it anyway. Well whatever, I should have just got up but I kept sleeping instead & forgot to make tea so I'm really tired right now. {Sighs} Got scripts to write, powerpoint presentation to make. Finished my VDEO103 editing skill today, I think I did pretty damn good, put some actual emotion into those retarded Aussies.

I've been going over some of my old songs, practising them up again. I think maybe I'll try recording some of them on the CD recorder & see if I really sound as retarded as I think I do. Who knows.

If I were a Citizen of the United Kingdom....

Apr. 14th, 2005 | 02:58 pm

I'd still be just as much of a bloody Socialist as I am now.

Who should I vote for?

Your expected outcome:

Liberal Democrat

Your actual outcome:

Labour -20
Conservative -49
	Liberal Democrat 80
	UK Independence Party 8
	Green 56

You should vote: Liberal Democrat

The LibDems take a strong stand against tax cuts and a strong one in favour of public services: they would make long-term residential care for the elderly free across the UK, and scrap university tuition fees. They are in favour of a ban on smoking in public places, but would relax laws on cannabis. They propose to change vehicle taxation to be based on usage rather than ownership.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

blemish

Apr. 14th, 2005 | 11:29 am

Chemicals:

indescribable

Ambience: Skinny Puppy - Ain't It Dead Yet?

GNU? ARQ REQ FORTRAN GREK. SPU? SPA FON? SQUA TRONT? HOQ SPU? FNORD HIQ QUARK REQ QUERY. GNATHET.

**

In Development:
Ways to Destroy Yourself

Push the whole world far away
And exist in a bubble of nothing
Gently watch the world as it floats by
Lobotomized
The drumbeat of the void
Across the inside of your skull
Will accompany you as you take your
Coma coffin cell
There's no reason to engage
The loop repeats and nothing matters
Take the blue pill and ignore
The nation's suicide
Everything that happens
Happened many times before
Nothing's ever learned and nothing that you
Do can ever help

Forget every universal truth
Remember every word that was a lie
History is a fortune wheel
All that was will be again by and by
So push the whole world far away
And exist in a bubble of nothing
At least you'll be happy 'till you die....

Jesus Pieces

Apr. 12th, 2005 | 12:35 pm

Chemicals:

giddy

I am in a wierd space right now. Had about 6-7hrs. of sleep in the last 48, & though I'm starting to feel tired, have not been nearly so opressed by sleep as usual. It feels good, but all the caffiene is making me a bit sketchy. Going from very intense focus to complete lack of all focus.

Will being in town for this weekend. Try to catch up with people, etc. We've started our final projects as well as our last class, Digital Video Editing. My projects will be 1. a presentation on the genesis of goth/industrial music and a 5min. video on the basics of Feng Shui. Ought to be fun. To having about 1month to do them in, though, = Insanity. Must practising organizational, communicational skill. That's all 4 now, gotta go metafilter.

"Dude! You got your Jesus in my peanut butter!"

ASSHATTERY

Apr. 9th, 2005 | 02:54 pm

Chemicals:

aggravated

I am getting so fucking sick of the people upstairs. I'm not sure whether they really stay up so late, or whether they just get drunk/shoot up, pass out, and don't gave the common fucking decency to turn their fucking music off. I had earplugs in, my furry hat with the arflaps down, & a towel wrapped around my head last night, & I could STILL hear it. It's driving me batshit!! Then, this AM, I was woken up by crackhead and his crack whore girlfriend having the fight of all fights. Yes, I was woken from a sound sleep by other people's romantic issues!! FUCK!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THEM!!!

New restrictions on our final project: no scratch video, no story-based 'movies', no taking cameras out of the school. Now any two of those I could live with, I'd be able to come up with something, but all 3? How the FUCK am I supposed to come up with something interesting to shoot? Sweet deal, Evan. I am seriously disappointed with this course. Quite possibly won't even bother going back next year, esp. since they're talking up that NO EQUIPMENT will be allowed to leave the school next year. Asshats. In exactly what production facility do they imagine we'll be working, that we will never be doing any location shooting, at all, EVR? Retards. Fuck them, and fuck their goddam third-world film school. I have better things to do with my time.

Now I've gone and pissed myself off. Time to go home, play some more Master of Magic (Civilization X Magic: the Gathering).

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7420542/

Stay away from the Watermelon Vodka....

Apr. 4th, 2005 | 10:59 am

Chemicals:

sick

Ohhhhh. I feel like shit today. Serves me right for drinking a liter of vodka in 2 days. I could never be an alcoholic; drinking just makes me feel worse than not drinking.

Back & better than ever

Mar. 30th, 2005 | 12:19 pm

Chemicals:

accomplished

Ambience: Shitty punk out of Matt's headphones

Shot a nice sequence today, lots of good tracking shots (though that damn ghetto sled is tough to handle & I almost fucked the cam (again) knocking it over when I hit thend of the track and didn't notice!) But in any case I'm starting to shoot some nice sequences & I'm HOT with the editing box. It's so gratifying to finally be doing something that really interests me, even if it is just shooting retarded disconnected sequences with no context to make them interesting. I'm getting pretty good at using the little visual tricks to add affect to stuff. So now I gotta figure out what the hell I'm going to do for my project. And I gotta find a job for the summer, figure out where the hell I'm going to live, pay SaskTel their damn blood money, fix those holes i kicked in the wall... fuck. It seems like every time I take a step forward I take two steps back. But what the hell. I'm focused, I'm productive, winter is over & I'm feeling good about myself. I'll try to get into town maybe in a couple weeks. & I gotta find out if I can get some funding togeather to produce something. Maybe I'll write out that zombie thing I got in my head (Zombi: the Mortification). Short, 1/2hour tops, punchy, gory, & gothik. Something cute and self-mocking but hardcore at the same time.

STOP BEEPING AT ME

Mar. 29th, 2005 | 10:19 am

Chemicals:

giddy

Had a kind've a refreshing weekend, got some shit worked out & I'm not feeling quite the same degree of angst that I was. Though that might have to do with the sleepdep a small bit. Woke up at 4PM on Monday and haven't slept since. Oh well, always fun to hard-reset the biological clock. I am so not into doing anything significant today. Which reminds me, i should learn how to write a cover letter. Ya think? I spent my weekend playing through Legend of Zelda Link's Awakening (cute little thang, almost passed it but then the frickin' thing didn't save my game so I lost like 2 levels. So I was so pissed off I played through Kirby's Dream Land 2 instead.) Also added a couple scenes to my slowly evolving movie script, I think if I can pull togeather some funding I have a couple of scripts I want to film here in SK, maybe as a way of giving something back to the province that made me what I am (for what it's worth). Well I'm rambling now, I better split.

lobotomized

Mar. 26th, 2005 | 03:23 pm

Chemicals:

apathetic

Ambience: the drumbeat of nothingness on the inside of my skull

Well I decided to sequester myself for the weekend, I've just been way too depressed lately and the though of going through the whole routine again and trying to coax people out of their worlds to add some relevance to mine, just didn't appeal in the slightest. So I'm dedicating this Weekend of the Living Dead Jesus to writing, playing old gameboy games on my gameboy emulater (for the billionth time...) and trying to get some shit figured out. I talked to a counselor and I think now I'm going to go to the 'system' to get my mental disease officially recognized and hopefully be eligible for some support. NO MEDICATION. I like my SJW just fine, thanks, it helps take the edge off and it doesn't lobotomize me. I'm trying to have less drugs in my lifestyle right now, not more. But some counselling and some support would be helpful, I don't know how exactly it could help such a tainted and broken soul as myself but I think I need some help....

push everything away
and exist in a bubble of nothing
gently watch the world
as it floats by
lobotomized....